Is it worth praising children for everything?

When a child comes running over holding up a drawing they’ve made, manages to zip up their coat on their own, builds a tall tower from blocks, or bravely recites a poem in front of their friends for the first time, our natural instinct as adults is to smile and say, “Well done!”, “That’s beautiful!”, or “I’m so proud of you.” After all, we want children to feel seen, valued, and loved.

Yet when thinking about how to respond to children’s achievements, it is worth pausing to consider one important question: are we evaluating them, or are we encouraging them? Although these may seem like the same thing, they send very different messages to a child.

This distinction was emphasised by the founder of Individual Psychology, Alfred Adler. Adler believed that children should grow up not merely seeking approval, but feeling that they belong, that they are noticed, needed, and capable of making a meaningful contribution.

Praise often focuses on the outcome or on the child themselves: “You’re so talented,” “You’re the best,” or “I like your drawing.” Such compliments are, of course, pleasant to hear. Over time, however, a child may begin to depend on adult approval: Will someone notice me? Will I be praised? Will they tell me I did well?

Encouragement works differently. It acknowledges not only the result but also the journey that led to it: the effort, persistence, willingness to try, ability to negotiate, or courage to start again. It communicates messages such as: “I can see how hard you worked on this,” “I noticed that you tried again,” or “You found a solution on your own.”

Praise itself is not harmful. Children need our warmth, our appreciation, and our genuine recognition. However, if they are praised constantly and for everything they do, they may gradually begin to strive not for the joy of discovery and learning, but for adult approval.

The question “Will someone praise me?” can become the primary source of motivation. Children may start trying simply to please others rather than because they genuinely want to learn, improve, or challenge themselves.

Similarly, if a child constantly hears, “What a beautiful picture!”, they may become preoccupied with producing something beautiful. A crooked line, a splash of paint in the wrong place, or a critical comment from a friend can then feel devastating. By contrast, when an adult notices the creative process – “I can see you carefully chose those colours,” or “You worked hard on those tiny details” – the child begins to value not only the final picture but also the act of creating it.

Encouragement helps children feel valued not only when everything goes smoothly, but also when the tower collapses, the buttons refuse to fasten, a letter is written incorrectly, or the words of a poem suddenly disappear halfway through reciting it.

At such moments, children need more than an evaluation of their performance. They need reassurance that they can try again:
“I could see that it wasn’t easy, but you gave it another go.”
“It was clever of you to come up with a different way to tackle that task.”
“It didn’t work out the way you hoped this time, but now you know what you might do differently next time.”

These kinds of comments strengthen a child’s self-confidence. They begin to understand that their worth does not depend on hearing “Well done” from an adult. Instead, they learn to recognise and appreciate their own efforts, choices, and small steps forward.

When considering how to praise or encourage a child, it is worth asking yourself: What do I want my child to learn about themselves?

Do I want them to believe they are “good” because they met my expectations? Or do I want them to understand that their effort, perseverance, and independent thinking matter?

Instead of saying, “What a lovely picture,” we might comment on the variety of colours they chose or the care they took while drawing. Rather than saying, “Good job getting dressed,” we might say, “It was great that you managed to zip up your coat by yourself, even though I could see it was tricky at first.”

And instead of, “I’m proud of you,” a message that often leaves a deeper mark on a child’s self-esteem is: “You should be proud of yourself – you tried again, and this time you succeeded.”

Comments like these help children understand not only what went well, but also how they achieved it.

Not at all. Children naturally want and need our approval. They need our smiles, our hugs, and our delight in their accomplishments.

There is no need to avoid praise altogether or weigh every word with excessive care. What matters is ensuring that praise does not become the only way we show children that they are valued and important.

Sometimes children do not need praise at all. Sometimes it is enough simply to pause, smile, and share in their happiness. Moments like these allow children to feel that adults are present not merely to evaluate them, but to enjoy their growth alongside them.

Children need to feel noticed not only when things go well, but also when they are trying, making mistakes, correcting them, searching for solutions, and starting over. At those moments, words of encouragement—although perhaps less dramatic than a quick “Well done!” – often have a far greater impact.

Over time, children internalise the voices they hear around them. If they regularly hear that effort matters, that trying again is worthwhile, and that mistakes are not failures, those messages gradually become part of their inner dialogue.

And that inner voice remains with them even when no adult is nearby – when they make a mistake, face a challenge, and need the courage to try again. It becomes the voice that quietly reminds them: “I can do this.”